A Beautiful Misery

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." 
- Clara Ortega


Two little kids were kneeling and crying. "We won't fight anymore." The older one said. The younger one nodded with tears in his eyes. They both pleaded to their mother. "We won't fight anymore, we promise." They both said as they hugged each other. 

The girl was awarded monthly as the most behaved student in her class. She barely spoke.Her classmates regularly tried to pick fights with her but she would just walk off;  they took her stuff away but she just shrugged; they ruined her things but she didn't cry. She never seemed to care about anything. 

One day her brother told her that he was being bullied by a classmate. Without a word, she got up and charged at the kid, shoved him hard and angrily said, "Don't you ever do that to my brother, you...!  Don't you ever touch him again!!!" Her brother hugged her and she saw he was scared. She held his hand and they walked away.

"WHAT DID YOU DO?!??" The brother now a teenager, asked his sister. "Well, I  finished the game for you. You seem to be having a hard time." "WHAT?!?!" He stormed away and slammed the door as she laughed at his annoyance.


A couple of years later, "Cool...!" said the sister. "You know, we're going to get in trouble, I'm not supposed to be driving yet." "Doesn't matter. Just bump into inanimate objects, not people.  Though preferably, you should try not to bump into anything or anyone. Got it?" The brother smiled and the two went on a joy ride.

Both of them are now grown ups. The brother shook his sister who suffered from insomnia and had barely slept. He told her he was hungry. "Go ask the house help to get you something." She mumbled. "Let's eat together." He said, and she grogily got up from bed and sighed.

Later that day the brother asked her to scratch his back as he always would. She was annoyed but she did anyway. Then he asked her to brush his hair and she did. They talked and tried to annoy each other as they customarily did. 

A few days later... 

She watched as her whole family mourn at his funeral;
She watched as they closed the lid of his casket;
She tried to gather every inch of her courage as she silently prayed for him to go to the light.

"Our brothers and sisters are there with us from the dawn of our personal stories to the inevitable dusk."

- Susan Scarf Merrell

As bright and festive lights illuminate the busy nights;  as Christmas carols play and fill the air, and as People flock on the malls. It's that time of the year once again, for friends and families spend moments together to rejoice. 
A time to share, a time to give and a time to remember....


The people who once shared a part of them with us and molded us to what we are now. They are the ones I miss the most; they're the ones I will keep in my heart no matter what happens. 


I would like to offer this post to all the people who have once lived and walked amongst us; I offer this post to family members and friends who still grieve for their loss. Truly, they will always be missed. 

Dear Piggy,
Pao misses you. We used to attend simbang gabi  together. Now, it all seems different without you...
I haven't even started shopping for gifts because you aren't here, it's hard without a 2nd opinion, with no one to help me carry the shopping bags anymore. No one to lecture me about how I  spend way too much. :P 
I know our lives will never be the same. But I also know that you would have wanted us to stay happy, so for you we will. :)
I love you and you know, I always have and always will.


PS. Pao will smile. I haven't forgotten that you thought I'm fugly when I cry.

"It was nice growing up with someone like you - someone to lean on, someone to count on... someone to tell on!" 
- Author Unknown

in loving memory of my brother, Jammy

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge - myth is more potent than history - dreams are more powerful than facts - hope always triumphs over experience - laughter is the cure for grief - love is stronger than death. 
- Robert Fulghum

my brothers Enrico and Jammy with my mom.

family picture.

A day before his wedding my brother Jammy met an accident and joined our creator.

I do not want to go into specifics of his demise. Although I have come to realize that we are all stronger than what we think. Sometimes when the situation calls for it and we no longer have a choice, we are able to do things we never thought were possible. Another realization which hit me is that, human life is so fragile - no amount of money can buy one's life back. Death is not something that can be circumvented. I felt so helpless standing before my brother knowing I couldn't do anything about it while he was in coma ( before I went to the hospital I was informed that it was impossible for him to pull through). I hated the feeling of having to stand there knowing I can't do anything to alleviate the pain. Yet I knew it was time to say goodbye... 

I quote this from a note I gave during his last birthday:

"I still remember, although I can only recall parts of it now. I was only about 2 years old then, and everyone was running around in circles; I remember being confused as what to everyone was doing all at the same time.

Being just a toddler, I pouted and waited, then our grandmother said that my little brother was born. I took the oppurtunity to wander around and sneak inside the nursery because everyone was busy doing whatever they were into then, and I held your hand for the first time, muttering kapatid ko(my brother).. Afterwhich I got in trouble and was quickly sent out upon being caught by the nurse.

That was the first time I met you."  

As I watch his life drained away the only thing I could do was just stand there, hold his hand again for the last time and tell him that I didn't want to see him suffer -  he shouldn't worry anymore because I will try to take care of things somehow. And that he should go back to the One who gave us life if he is being called back.

"During times when I wanted to cry or when I wanted to hear the truth I would always seek for your counsel despite your nonchalant nature and detachment to certain things. You are one of the people whose opinion I really trust - your opinions and advices are always unbiased and well thought of. For those times when I annoyed you and I started to weep, you'd always find a way to crack me up. I guess I never have really gotten around to thanking you for everything."

My brother always told me not to cry. I knew he got annoyed whenever he saw me in tears so I am still trying not to but if I should fail in doing so which I know I probably will that I'm sorry - It's hard not to because he will be missed. I will keep all our memories in my heart.

I know that there are occurences and events that are beyond our control. We just have to trust in God. Pray for his guidance and uplift all the pain to our Lord, God and our Savior, Jesus Christ.  

Talking about him in public would have made me bawl like a new born kid with a very bad temper that's why I deemed it best to thank everyone who extended their sympathies with our family during his funeral and interment. 

I am sorry I suck at human emotions. It is something I would rather evade at any given day. I know Jammy would understand this more than anyone could. :) 

Lastly, I would like to ask for prayers for his soul and prayers for my family to accept the new changes in our life.

"Love is stronger than death even though it can't stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love. It can't take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."

- Unknown

Life is eternal and love is immortal; And death is only a horizon, And a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight. - Rossiter W. Raymond